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**_ Court Humor _**

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--->WARNING! Material below so funny: WARNING!<--- Don't fall out of your chair now; My insurance doesn't cover that!
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Court Humour - Courtesy The Register: - - Last Updated: Thursday, 08 January 2015

What's with all these 16 scholars, 37 Historians, 64, Scholars, and so on?...

THEREFORE! ** A few items that didn't quite make it onto the official docket...

Date Docketed
         ---_____Description (Click to view/download)_____---         
Filed By
256 CALIFORNIA HIPPIES Proceeding Pro Se Duuude!... Amici, California Hippies do not have a lawyer representing them; all their lawyers are stoned.
Hon. Chancellor Martok Chancellor of the Klingon High Council ARGUMENT I. We are Klingons, and you are Humans: you will obey!

CLARK KENT, of Kal-El, Kent, and Krypton, LLC

Spooky-Spock is half human, but also half-Vulcan; that is spooky!

QUOTE:"I am Spooky-Spock, and therefore, it is logical to conclude that I am the foremost Spooky-Spockologist, and therefore an expert in all areas of logic, reason, and, as such, I find it highly illogical for me to support either party, as both parties have made mistakes. Therefore, the arguments of Amicus, Gordon W. Watts, are incorporated by reference herein as if fully set forth herein. Since I need make no further arguments, I shall invoke the Fed.R.App.P. Rule 32.(a)(1)(C), cited by other Amicu, and which states: “Photographs, illustrations, and tables may be reproduced..."

President makes recess appointments to High Court

President makes recess appointments to High Court

Country bumpkin redneck twins, Billy Bob and Vern, prepare for their wife-beating case that the High Court is set to hear next week.

Redneck twins, Billy Bob & Vern

Legal analysts says that things "don't look well" for the twins.

In other news, Michael Vick is set for a re-trial on 'Dog Fighting' charges.

Redneck twins, Billy Bob & Vern

Legal analysts says that things "don't look well" for Vick.

Funny but (allegedly) true court experiences...

In a message dated 4/30/2006 9:10:22 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, (an anonymous friend) writes:

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

~~ Some of the "allegations" appear to come from "LectLaw," an "Official" source...

I liked those court quotes, but these are not the only court blunders out there on the Internet! E.G., ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ We'll leave them for another day, eh?

Subj: Re: Fw: Court Quotes
Date: 1/25/04 10:19:51 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: AL...
To: n...
CC: CL...

Pretty funny, I especially liked the last one.

In a message dated 1/25/2004 10:08:29 AM Eastern Standard Time...

>>Hi All,
>>Some of these are really dumb.
>> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
>> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
>>and now
>> published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
>> these exchanges were actually taking place.
>> Q: Are you sexually active?
>> A: No, I just lie there.
>> __________________________________
>> Q: What is your date of birth?
>> A: July 15th.
>> Q: What year?
>> A: Every year.
>> ______________________________________
>> Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>> A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>> ______________________________________
>> Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>> A: Yes.
>> Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>> A: I forget.
>> Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
>> forgotten?
>> _____________________________________
>> Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>> A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>> Q: How long has he lived with you?
>> A: Forty-five years.
>> _____________________________________
>> Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
>> that
>> morning?
>> A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>> Q: And why did that upset you?
>> A: My name is Susan.
>> ______________________________________
>> Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
>>or the
>> occult?
>> A: We both do.
>> Q: Voodoo?
>> A: We do.
>> Q: You do?
>> A: Yes, voodoo.
>> ______________________________________
>> Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>>sleep, he
>> doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>> A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>> ___________________________________
>> Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>> _____________________________________
>> Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>> >> ______________________________________
>> Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>> A: Yes.
>> Q: And what were you doing at that time?
>> ______________________________________
>> Q: She had three children, right?
>> A: Yes.
>> Q: How many were boys?
>> A: None.
>> Q: Were there any girls?
>> ______________________________________
>> Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
>> A: By death.
>> Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
>> ______________________________________
>> Q: Can you describe the individual?
>> A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>> Q: Was this a male, or a female?
>> ______________________________________
>> Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
>> which I sent to your attorney?
>> A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>> ______________________________________
>> Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>> A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>> ______________________________________
>> Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>> A: Oral.
>> ______________________________________
>> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
>> A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
>> ______________________________________
>> Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>> ______________________________________
>> Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
>> A: No.
>> Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
>> A: No.
>> Q: Did you check for breathing?
>> A: No.
>> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
>>began the
>> autopsy?
>> A: No.
>> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>> Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>> A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>>practicing law
>> somewhere.

During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well spoken and poised.

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."

Subject: Sniffer

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.

He says, "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the aisle and the seat.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the hell is going on with this stupid dog?

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

* Subject: The Top 8 Morons of 2003

1. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.


Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.

After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."


An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.


A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just wouldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted,"That's not what I said!"


A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"


In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket (hellllllooooooo!)


Last summer, on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE... (at least that's what the mail forward said -editor)

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Subj: Fw: In Honor of Stupid People
Date: 1/31/04 11:38:58 AM Eastern Standard Time
From: De...
To: Undisclosed-Recipient:;
Sent from the Internet

In Honor of Stupid People In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medici! ne -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as oppos! ed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


This is a little "off-topic," but I will have to agree with this other poster, who commented on The Power Hour post below! -gordon

~__-Anger Management-__~

From: br...
Date: Wed Dec 17, 2003 4:57 pm
Subject: Re: Anger Management

I laughed so hard I thought my pants would never dry. This is right up there with Laurel and Hardy. Thanks so much.

--- In, "Astro" [astro54@p...] wrote:
Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a**hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a**hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!"and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a**hole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"


"Don, you're an a**hole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.

I called A**hole #1 "Hello." "You're an a**hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"A**hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole."

Then I called A**hole #2.

Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a**hole," I said! .He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?" "You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a**," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street. There I saw two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW, I feel so much better.

Ever wonder? ~ (from a friend)

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn....

This here was another email from a friend and not my writing, but I added more below here:


Ever wonder why you DRIVE on a Parkway, but you merely park on a DRIVEWAY...

(Does that mean we're really not "walking" on a sidewalk. Also, if a fly can't fly anymore, is he then a "walk?" --I've seen some flies get in my freezer, barely move, and they then ...become "walks!" lol)

Ever wonder why JUDGES issue "opinions" ... (they ain't quite sure?)

Ever wonder if the SUPREME COURT JUSTICES are so smart... why are they always disagreeing? (At least some of them gotta be wrong, and *maybe* ALL of them ...hey Bub! Let ME be a U.S. Supreme Court Judge... I couldn't do much worse.)

Ever wonder why doctors and lawyers "practice?"

("Hey! When you finally get it 'down pat', give me a ring, OK?" --he he...)

(There ARE all mine, but I've heard them somewhere...)

Ever wonder... hey, stop wondering, wandering, and wundering, and get a move on it!

"Flash" Gordon

(Now, don't fall out of your chair laughing; My insurance doesn't cover that!)

Subject: new chemical element

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium".

Governmentium has one neutron, 42 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -- an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

This next one is for Clint Eastwood, and the "good, bad, and the ugly."


Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman is early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

 Key links: 
CM/ECF     U.S. Dist. Court: Fla. N.D.    11th U.S. Cir. Court of Appeals    U.S. Supreme Court    Brenner v. Scott (Wikipedia)   

Fla. Gay Marriage case: selected docket items (mirror 1)

Fla. Gay Marriage case: selected docket items (mirror 2)

Health/Diet Research:
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Gordon W. Watts, Editor-in-Chief, The Register



"First, they [Nazis] came for the Jews. I was silent. I was not a Jew. Then they came for the Communists. I was silent. I was not a Communist. Then they came for the trade unionists. I was silent. I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for me. There was no one left to speak for me." (Martin Niemöller, given credit for a quotation in The Harper Religious and Inspirational Quotation Companion, ed. Margaret Pepper (New York: Harper &Row, 1989), 429 -as cited on page 44, note 17, of Religious Cleansing in the American Republic, by Keith A. Fornier, Copyright 1993, by Liberty, Life, and Family Publications. Some versions have Mr. Niemöller saying: "Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up, because I was a Protestant"; other versions have him saying that they came for Socialists, Industrialists, schools, the press, and/or the Church; however, it's certain he DID say SOMETHING like this. Actually, they may not have come for the Jews first, as it's more likely they came for the prisoners, mentally handicapped, & other so-called "inferiors" first -as historians tell us -so they could get "practiced up"; however, they did come for them -due to the silence of their neighbors -and due in part to their own silence. So: " Speak up now or forever hold your peace! "-GWW